tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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