I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
