You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
