i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
