Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
