I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
