Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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