i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
