i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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