when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
