my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
