We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
