I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
