You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
