If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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