I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
