All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
