were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
