You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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