I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
this boner is exhausting
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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