I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
