lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
