Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
