drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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