Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
