I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My liver just had a heart attack.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
