I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
