I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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