If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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