so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
