I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
