Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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