I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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