I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
