John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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