my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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