3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
