ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
