Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
