she woke up with a sticky ear
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
