i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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