I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just gift wrapped bread.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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