I am spending my child support on dildos
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
