There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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