Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I deserve this hangover.
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