How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
