the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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