you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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