Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
