you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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